shock. loss. Hope.

There is no way I’m pregnant. With 2 kids already and 2 jobs, another baby was the last thing on my mind. It must just be stress making me feel this way. But, ok I will take the home test. Positive.

Ok, maybe that was wrong lets test again tomorrow to be sure. My heart was racing, my stomach lurching, as the pale, but definitely visible, second line stared back at me from the bathroom countertop. I’m pregnant. Surely this must be a mistake. My youngest is about to be 6 months old (at the time).

My first thoughts were for our youngest. How can I possibly give her the attention she needs if I’m distracted by months of morning sickness and worse — a brand new baby? Then our oldest, how can I turn her world upside AGAIN?

I was in shock. I didn’t know what to think. Everyone around me was happy, while surprised, when they heard the news. Still, I couldn’t shake the sorrow.

Yes, I want more kids in the future, but now? I knew the life growing inside of me was already part of our family. I just needed time to get used to the idea.

As time went on, I began to come around to the idea of 3 kids and 2 jobs. As the sickness started to lessen, so did my feelings of anxiety. We would figure out the schedules and the money and all the other details a family with three kids always does. I was even starting to enjoy the idea of three kids running around together making messes, sharing stories and filling our home with giggles.

Then at 10 weeks, IT happened. I began to loose the baby. We fought. We fought hard to hold on to this baby. But God had different plans. I had a miscarriage.

I felt so guilty. Guilty over not wanting this baby to begin with, guilty for all the times I prayed with bitterness about the pregnancy and afraid that maybe all my negative emotions had caused this little life to leave me. Which is NOT true! A miscarriage cannot be explained sometimes – and even more so in our situation. However, we know God has a better plan. We don’t see it and we might not understand it, but we have to TRUST it.

Through the chaos of emotions my body reacted negatively and I ended up spending most of my night in an ER. Thankfully, the LORD was there every step of the process. He gave us the perfect ER Doctor. He lead us right where we needed to be. He allowed the right medical attention given to me at the right time. He designed our bodies so well that my body can heal itself after the past 10 weeks.

Our Angel Baby is now sitting at the LORD’s feet. Our Angel Baby now has an even better life than I could ever imagine. Our Angel Baby will never have to worry about sin, temptation or worldly desires. Instead, our Angel Baby will walk the streets of gold and forever worship. Nothing better than knowing your children are with the Father. Still it hurts, but there is peace with the Father.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. Isaiah 43:2

Knowing that God has a perfect plan for our lives gives me an indescribable hope for the future. I think I will always get sad when I look back on this time in our life, but I will continue to rejoice knowing that God works for the good of those who love Him. You could spend your whole life asking why something happened, but you will never have any peace until you give it over to God. His plan and his timing are far better than anything we can imagine for ourselves.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I may not understand the situation now, but I know who HOLDS the situation.
I may hurt, but I know who HOLDS me.
I may be confused, but I know who KNOWS all the answers.

Our Angel Baby will forever be apart of our family.
We love you, Angel!
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Trying Threes

A note to my oldest daughter on the eve of her THIRD birthday-

Everyone calls this the Trying Threes years. However I expect nothing less than more awesomeness! Abigail Hope, you are truly a JOY! I love everything about you. I love how you love others. I love how you love your sister. I love how you love me. I love how you say, “Momma, you’re my friend” – it melts my heart.

You are truly an amazing young girl! You always have a new story to tell. I love how you use BIG words and always know exactly what you’re telling me. You truly keep your daddy and I on our toes :). I have watched you become the BEST big sister! You smoother your sister with kisses and complain that she’s “hurting your ears” all in about 60 seconds. Oh, life with you is more fun.
You love going on walks. Lately you HAVE to hold Toby’s leash and even let it go just to laugh at him because he got scared the leash was going to get him. You love to do chalk on the driveway. Your leadership skills really shine through when mommy doesn’t use the right color. You love to play pretend. Everyone in our family has had our share of Doctor check ups lately. You love music. One thing about you, sweet girl, you have always loved music! And now you are CONSTANTLY singing. You sing church songs, songs from TV shows, and our personal favorite Donut Man Songs! I LOVE my daily concerts! You love your daycare. You are constantly asking me to go to daycare. You love your teachers and your teachers love you. It blesses mommy’s heart to know you love daycare. You love to play hide and seek – especially with your aunts. It sometimes takes forever to find you, but the next round you’re back in your same spot only for us to find you quicker and tackle you with tickles. Oh the cackle! You LOVE to laugh! You love to “twirl” until you get dizzy. Once you have finished twirling or putting on a show you always take a bow. Oh how precious are these moments.
My precious one, don’t grow up to fast. Never stop loving. Never stop shining a light for Jesus. Never stop being my baby girl.
You are a bundle of joy to us. It’s been 365 days times THREE that you’ve been out of my tummy. And yet you’ve been in our hearts since before we could see you on a Sonogram. And farther back than that, you were in the mind of God and HE loved you even before we did. And ultimately, sweet girl, you are His, first and foremost. May your kisses and your dances and your language and your good looks and sense of humor always be aimed first and foremost towards the heart of God. May you always seek to give Him pleasure before your own. To bring Him joy before you seek Your own. May every ounce of your creative wit and will, and passion be bent towards – surrendered to- Jesus, before any other person. May the game of hide and seek be one you never stop playing as you grow in prayer and learn to find God in His throne room.

We are proud of you baby girl. These aren’t the Trying Threes Years…. We look forward to some very, very Thrilling Threes!

Happy Birthday, my Booger Bear.

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Motherhood

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.
Motherhood is not for the weak.
Motherhood is not for the perfect.

Motherhood IS for the strong heart.
Motherhood IS for the brave.
Motherhood IS for the broken.

When I was a little girl all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I found myself constantly playing house, playing with dolls, taking care of anyone younger than me (whether they wanted to or not…it’s a miracle my sisters didn’t lash out more), and my heart yearning for a family that I would have one day. What I wish I could go back and whisper to that little girl is, “Don’t grow up to fast. Hold tight to the baby dolls. Enjoy TODAY and NOW. Your time will come.”

Now here I am in my mid twenties with 2 precious babies that are MINE! I am a MOM. The title “Momma” is my favorite title I wear. It is also the most challenging. From diaper changes to late night fevers. From snacks on the go to spontaneous cuddles. From the numerous bottles in the sink to loads of laundry. From the “why’s” to the being smothered with kisses. From car seats to Mickey Mouse.

Motherhood is wonderful and hard all at the same time. The best thing? I’m not alone! God is right there every step of the way. He is there in the cuddles. He is there in the diaper changes. He is there in the dark when it’s just me and the baby. He is there when I loose my cool. He is there when I’m not my best. He is there on the hard days. He is THERE!

I have my good days and my bad days. And the best news is God wants me on my good and bad days. He wants my smiles, my joy, my frustration, my anger, my HEART. He wants it ALL! I don’t have to get my act together to be accepted – I am accepted the way I am – mess and all!

Today I feel God saying, “I’m here. Just come. Let me hold you when you feel like you can’t go anymore. Let me be your strength when you are weak. Let me be your joy when you have none. Let me be your cheerleader when the to do list has gotten way to long. I’m here. Just rest in me.”

Let that sink in your heart. He is there when you’re alone. He is there ready to love on your heart. He wants to help you – let Him.

Here’s to the Mommas who want to have it all together, but don’t. Here’s to the Mommas who love their kids and want the absolute best for them. Here’s to the Mommas who just can’t go anymore. Here’s to the Mommas who love being Momma.

God is there. He is meeting you where you are now. Lean in so you can hear His heart beat. Lay back and let Him hold you. Just be held today.

XOXO,
MarcyIMG_5415

My House Will Not Look Like Pinterest- And Why I’m Ok With It

It’s that time of year again…everyone is talking about Christmas decorations, gifts, and the busyness begins. This is also the time of year most women take to Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Internet to find inspiration for their personal trees and house. I am seeing trees being decorated and people “pinning” their favorite ideas. I cannot help but think, “Why can’t my house look all beautiful decked out for Christmas?” “Why can’t my tree look like the one on Pinterest?” The answer? I have an almost 2 year old.

I was so excited to put up my tree and decorations this year. This year my daughter is almost 2 and she will be able to enjoy everything! Lately while driving around she says “Momma, WOW!” to all the lights and decorations. This only fueled my excitement to make my house perfect! I had a Pinterst picture in my head and I could not wait to make it come to life. I got out my tree, began to put my tulle down the sides, then the ornaments filled the tree, and finally my topper! I was so excited to step back and see my Pinterest picture come to life. You can imagine my surprise when I stepped back and the bottom layer of my tree had been stripped of ornaments and the tulle was next. My adorable 20 month old was there to help.

This is her first Christmas where she is mobile. She was not crawling last Christmas and this year she is crawling everywhere and getting ready to walk! I wanted to be mad because my perfect Christmas tree was ruined…but then I caught myself. Is Christmas about how perfect my tree looks? Is Christmas about having my house Pinterest worthy? No! Christmas is about celebrating the ONE who makes Christmas possible. Christmas is about traditions. Christmas is the most wonderful time of year…enjoy it!

In true reality, any given day you might stop by my house there will be toys everywhere, possibly and empty sippy cup, dishes in the sink (or on the counter drying), and a happy 20 month old. My family is at a stage in life where it is not possible to have the straight, clean, perfect home all the time. And I have learned it’s OK!

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To the mom who wants the picture perfect home, look around YOU HAVE IT. You have the sound of laughter, TV, toys, dog barking and sink running…that my friend is the definition of a picture perfect home. I once saw a sign “Please excuse our mess, we are making memories” Mommies, enjoy this stage! You might not have the house from Pinterst, but remember this season is a time of loving on your children, allowing them to learn and grow (like my daughter learning how to take the ornaments off the tree…maybe the growing of putting them back will come soon 😉 ), a time to create family traditions, a time to truly teach your children the truth. Enjoy this season! There will be a day where we can have the pretty tree and perfect house, but don’t rush there just yet. It’s ok for people to see the toys scattered, TV on, dishes piled, because they know you’re making memories.

Enjoy this Christmas season. Remember for you children this is a magical time of year…make it that way. Don’t get caught up in the hustle and bustle. Enjoy your Christmas season!

Merry Christmas,
Marcy

Crawl, Reach, Trust

My Abigail Hope is 10 1/2 months old. It has been the craziest, most fun, completely exhausting, best 10 1/2 months by far.

I have been very blessed being her mommy. She puts a smile on my face everyday. She is my biggest blessing.

Recently we have been trying very hard to get her to crawl. Yes, she is 10 1/2 months old and is not crawling yet.

Now let me explain…

We put her on the floor ALOT EVERYDAY.

We lay her on her stomach, place a toy just out of her reach, and not back down.

We have even gone as far as putting her on her hands and knees.

But yet nothing.

If she can’t get the toy she will move on to the next toy (the one in her reach…not her favorite but she settles), next thing she can see in her reach to play with.

When we try so hard to get her to crawl, she will just lay there balancing on her tummy.

If you have ever seen someone crawl you know that one part of the body that is not supposed to touch the floor is the tummy…

Abigail when she tries the only part that touches the floor is her tummy.

No matter how hard my husband, my mother, or myself try we CANNOT make her crawl.

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As I was working with her last night I began to think…

Is this what God sees when he wants to give us something but we can’t figure out how to get it.

We just lay there rocking on our tummies and then see something not as good but we settle for something other that what He has for us.

Just like we want Abigail to have her favorite toy in front of her, God wants us to have what He has in front of us.

The only difference between us and Abigail is the fact we have the Word of God to get us off our tummy and get what is in front…

We just have to be

…Willing…

Willing to move
Willing to make the effort
Willing to trust God
Willing to grasp what is ahead
Willing to trust God’s plan for your life

If you are too busy being distracted with the other toy your plan for your life then you will miss what God’s toy plan for your life is. Sometimes we, as humans, get distracted because we think we have the best plan and have it all figured out, but God is sitting there with a MUCH better plan and He wants to bless you with His plan.

God always has your best interest in mind. He has placed the best toy option out in front of you…you only have to want it bad enough to get it.

Trust in Him today and make the effort to see what He has laid out for you.

XOXO,

Marcy

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5 Reasons I LOVE Being a Mommy

1. The Newborn scent. It’s not Dreft detergent. It’s the baby. It’s the best.

2. The smile. That no matter what is going on when you see a smile on their face nothing else matters.

3. The laughter. Laughter means fun. Laughter means joy.

4. The spontaneous affection. It proves love comes from God. Even though Abigail is only 8 months old, she still gives me hugs when I least expect it. The cuddling…it’s the BEST.

5. Because even on the nights when I am exhausted and desperate for her to go to sleep… just a few minutes later, the sight of her curled up in her crib makes me want to wake her up to hug and kiss her again.

Because it is true: our babies are BLESSINGS. All the diapers and projectile vomit and the piles of laundry and the sleepless nights and the 1 am wake up calls and the cheerios in every corner of the house and car and the baby food stains on your clothes and the spit up when you are walking out the door and the drool on your shirt as you stand to present in front of people to present something and the random pacifiers in your purse…

…all of that adds up to so much joy and beauty and memories.

Thank You God for my baby girl. Thank You for letting me be a mommy.

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Playtime

Right now is Thanksgiving break for me…which means 5 days to get everything done that I might need to get done! Being a Music Teacher and a Music Director at a church, Christmas season is probably the busiest season of all. So as you can imagine, I have a to do list of a million things to get done but only time to do maybe 3 things a day…with a 8-month-old in tow it tends to make things ten times harder to get done.

So today I laid Abigail on the floor (on a blanket) with some toys and started working on some things that I needed to get done…well attempting to get maybe started on a project while she played.

Well…

Abigail had a different plan…she looked at her toy then looked up at me, then began to cry. All she wanted was me to lay down in the floor with her and just play.

I looked at my computer screen, thinking of the many details of programs coming up and the to do list running through my head, then looked at Abigail and knew she isn’t going to be 8 months old forever.

So I cave…I close the laptop, lay down in the floor and hand her a toy.

I hand her the toy only to get it thrown at my face 2 seconds later (we are in a stage of throwing toys but then wanting them back…figuring out how our hands work). Getting toys thrown at my face is not the ideal thing that I wanted to do at that time, but the joy on her face because I was in the floor.

She didn’t need me to play with her, she just want me there…close. She didn’t want me to talk to her…she wanted to do the talking. She just wanted me to sit and listen.

As I laid in the floor, my to do list, the dirty house, and the fact I needed to shower (sorry I’m not on a schedule…for the first time in a LONG time) never crossed my mind. All I could think about is how Abigail just wanted me close.

As I sit here reflecting on my day…I can’t help but wonder doesn’t God want us to just be close? To put away our distractions and just sit close to him? Doesn’t God want us to just sit close and listen?

Hmmmm…

Have I just sat and listened to God lately? Just sitting close and letting Him do the talking.

I am so thankful for someone so small reminding me of this simple concept.

I mean who wouldn’t want to just sit and listen to this cutie?!?!?!

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Have you just sat close to God and just listened lately?

Xoxo,

Marcy